


Heaven's Problem

by Lif61 (UltimateFandomTrash)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Heaven, M/M, Non-Explicit Sex, POV Dean Winchester, Post-Episode: s15e20 Carry On, Season/Series 15, Season/Series 15 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:35:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27793159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UltimateFandomTrash/pseuds/Lif61
Summary: Heaven's good, or that's at least what Dean tells himself. Because isn't that what it's supposed to be -- good? But he just can't shake this feeling that something's wrong, and he doesn't know what it is, or how to fix it.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Destiel
Comments: 7
Kudos: 42





	Heaven's Problem

**Author's Note:**

> My idea here was probably better than my execution. But hopefully this is still fun to read.

Castiel came to visit Dean. They talked. They talked about everything Castiel had said to him, the Empty, what Dean hadn’t said. Then the two of them set themselves up in a little cabin. Strictly speaking, Castiel didn’t  _ need _ to stay in Heaven, but he wanted to, and had even told Dean that it was because Dean was there. Upon realizing he was dead, Castiel had grabbed Dean, anger flaring in his eyes. That anger had faded with Dean’s explanation, with the understanding that began to dawn in both of them that this could just be another form of existing in this universe. Dean Winchester was dead. But Heaven was a whole new world for him to explore.

That first night together they kissed, and then they laid down and held each other, Dean falling asleep in Cas’ arms.

Their first full day together, they drove. They went wherever they wanted to, and listened to the mixtape Dean had given to Castiel a few years ago.

That night was their first time being intimate with each other. It had been a breaking, an unleashing of themselves upon each other. And it was perfect and beautiful, and Dean realized this was Heaven.

Time went on like that. They’d explore each other’s bodies, have fun just knowing each other in such a way, and they’d live together, doing whatever they wanted.

Things were good… until they weren’t. Until one morning when Dean woke up to Castiel kissing him and murmuring praise into his ear. It made Dean’s skin crawl, and something felt seriously wrong in him.

Dean didn’t say anything, yet he wondered why the hell his stomach was clenching, and his legs were tense. Cas seemed to notice, and pulled back.

“What is it?” his angel asked.

“Nothing. I’m fine,” Dean lied, already pushing himself up and making to get out of bed. “I’m just tired.” 

Another lie. Dean could never be tired in Heaven after sleeping because every night was a good night’s sleep, even if he only managed to snag an hour between tussling with Cas in the sheets. 

Castiel pushed the covers on his side of the bed back, revealing the absolutely absurd and ridiculous orange underwear he chose to wear. He’d paired it with a Metallica T-shirt. It was endearing, cute, and so him, but… Dean suddenly felt too exposed in just his underwear and thin V-neck.

“Dean, we’re in Heaven,” Castiel reasoned to Dean’s earlier point.

“Yeah, I know.”

Castiel just raised an eyebrow at him, and let out a sigh.

Dean didn’t provide him with any more information, not truly understanding what he was feeling himself.

He grabbed his clothes and made to head to the bathroom, hoping a shower would sort him out.

Castiel started grabbing his own clothes. Dean patted him on the shoulder as he walked by. “Sorry, Cas. Just me today.” Cas’ face fell. “Come on, it’s not like you really need to shower,” he pointed out.

“Are you sure you’re alright?”

Dean leaned in and kissed him on the cheek.

“I’m golden.”

He’d wanted to take a long shower, maybe use all the hot water and steam to sort this out, but something in him just  _ hurt _ . Being away from Castiel seemed to make it worse. So after he washed himself and dried, he dressed, and then went to go find his angel.

Castiel was in the kitchen, making breakfast (he knew how to cook at least a few things because Dean had taken the time to teach him). He smiled when he saw the eggs and bacon cooking, smiled at the mug of coffee that was all ready for him. He smiled and it was a lie, because that hurt in him pulsed, and he suddenly felt jittery, full of energy that he didn’t know what to do with.

“Thanks, Cas,” Dean got out, and he went over to go kiss him, an idea coming to mind.

Castiel easily leaned into it, and then started to be the one trying to take control.

It was smothering.

Dean pulled back, spanked Cas because it was just something they both did now, and told him, “Breakfast’s burnin’, sunshine.”

Castiel rolled his eyes at him so hard he rolled his entire body, and then he went back to breakfast.

“It can’t burn,” Dean heard him mutter under his breath.

Dean just sat at the edge of the wooden table, picked up his coffee, and tried to enjoy it.

“So what are the plans for today?” Dean asked, hesitant about the question. 

For some reason he didn’t want there to be plans, he just wanted… well, he didn’t know what he wanted. It was bothering him, like an itch he couldn’t scratch. And it was growing more incessant the more he left it alone, and more frustrating as he tried to reach it, and almost could, but failed after multiple attempts.

“Well, seeing as Jack and I remade all of this,” Castiel said, gesturing with the spatula, a tiny piece of egg flying off of it, “we can literally do whatever. Only, I’m not always sure what that would be.”

“What, ‘cause you’re not human?”

“Yes.”

“Come on,” Dean started, “you’re human enough for this crap. What do you want to do?”

“Aside from the obvious—”

“The obvious?” Dean interrupted.

Castiel turned, still looking so ridiculous in that orange underwear, holding the spatula in one hand. But the eyebrow he raised at Dean, that wasn’t ridiculous at all. It had heat running straight down through Dean’s body, and he found himself curling his toes in his boots. “I still haven’t fucked you against every surface in here yet,” Castiel said.

Dean’s face turned bright red, and he just gaped at him.

Castiel gave him a smirk, and went back to what he was doing.

Dean tried to think of something to say, but there was nothing. God, the ways Cas could make him feel. And he was pretty sure Cas knew what he was doing. They’d talked enough about the ways Dean had changed Cas for them to have an almost human understanding between each other. And even if it wasn’t wholly human, it was theirs. Only they knew the two of each other like this, and only they felt so profoundly for one another. The sex was just another thing to explore, and the dominance that Castiel usually exerted in fights easily translated to the bedroom.

Before he could think of anything to possibly say to that, Castiel put his food down in front of him, and then sat across from him. One of his feet started running up Dean’s leg, and he didn’t even seem to be aware that he was doing it.

“Would you want that today?” Castiel asked.

He did.

He didn’t.

Maybe he should let Castiel decide.

“I don’t know, Cas.”

Dean set in on his breakfast, and since, fuck it, this was Heaven, he let himself moan at how good the food tasted.

“Are you trying to turn on your breakfast?” Cas teased.

“You think it’s working?”

“It’s food, Dean,” he responded blandly.

Dean just shot him a grin, and continued eating.

By the time he was done, he and Castiel had decided they would go fishing in a river that Cas had created nearby.

The day was beautiful, as all the days were. Yet Dean found himself looking too deeply into the shadows of the trees, found himself flinching at unexpected sounds.

They fished. They laughed.

Castiel ended up tackling Dean along the shoreline, getting on top of him, and kissing him.

Dean shifted his hips upward to displace him a bit, shoved against his collarbone to unbalance him, and then rolled, slamming Castiel into the ground. He kissed him, hard. Castiel pulled away to say something, and it sounded a lot like praise.

Not wanting to hear any of that, Dean just murmured against his lips, “No, don’t say anything.”

For now, Castiel was okay with that. Dean took Castiel on the shore, and when they were done, he laid down beside him and looked up at the sky.

“I hope you know that you’re very good at that,” Castiel said.

Dean chuckled. “How could I not be? I’m Dean friggin’ Winchester.”

“And I hope you also know that… that every time I touch any part of you, it makes me want to show you how much I love you. I want to touch you till you understand, tell you…”

Dean sat up, and Castiel trailed off, seeming to realize what Dean was feeling even before Dean did. Castiel sat up too, and was rubbing Dean’s back. He bristled at the touch, but deep inside. He didn’t show it, didn’t even understand it.

“Okay, what is it? And don’t lie to me like you did this morning. Something’s wrong.”

“I don’t… I don’t  _ know _ what’s wrong,” Dean answered. “I didn’t want to say anything until I figured it out.”

“Is that what’s been keeping you so preoccupied all day?”

Dean nodded, and then leaned into Castiel.

“I guess I’m just… waiting for it to end,” Dean admitted.

“For what to end?”

“This. All of it. Part of me’s just waiting to wake up, or waiting for something bad to happen. This can’t be real, can it?”

Castiel held Dean’s face, and he said, words soft yet insistent, “It  _ is _ real.” 

They kissed, as if Cas was trying to prove it, as if Dean was looking for it.

But none of it felt right.

Dean pulled away with a sigh. Castiel settled with a hand on his chest.

“Dean, this is real.”

“Then why does it feel so…” He looked up, finding his vision starting to blur from the sheer emotional confusion warring in him. Fuck, he didn’t want to cry in god damn Heaven. Still, they didn’t clear from his eyes. “...I don’t know, so bad,” he finished. “Wrong.”

Cas pulled away.

“What are you saying? Are you saying you don’t want this?”

At the hurt in Castiel’s low voice, Dean turned, and reached out for him.

“No, no. I do. That’s the problem. I do. God, I do. But I’ve never… my life has never let this happen before, never let me be happy, never let this last. And, I know, I know, I’m in Heaven, that there’s peace here, whatever I want, or need, but… I can’t shake the feeling that something’s gonna come along and ruin it, or… or that you’ll want it to end. Hell, I even think that all this good, it’s—it’s… I don’t know, it’s smothering me.”

“Do you need me to stop?”

“I don’t know, Cas. I just… I want to run away, and I know that’s wrong. I  _ know _ I should just be here, be at fucking peace, but I’m not used to it. It’s suffocating.”

“I understand,” Castiel said after a long moment of silence in which he seemed to be thinking hard.

“You do?”

“Yes. The things you, and the things  _ I _ , went through in our lives, they leave a mark, and not even Heaven can erase it. And that mark, and all the bad we went through — it made the good moments seem fleeting, unreal. And, at the end of it all, we’re just not used to it. It’s not going to feel like what we’ve been conditioned with. It’s… different.”

“And different doesn’t mean bad.”

“I know, but…” Now it was Castiel’s turn to look uneasy.

“What?”

“I feel it too. I think… I think maybe that’s why I didn’t go back at first, to you, to Earth. I didn’t think I could have it, and I was so used to being beaten down that I just… I didn’t go after you. I’m so sorry.”

“You don’t gotta be sorry. I didn’t do anything to find you. I just thought… I thought it was over.”

“It’s not over. Even here, even now. We can have this. If you want it.”

Dean nodded, and was running his thumbs over Cas’ ears. “I do. I do. Believe me, I do. But this feeling, man, it… I don’t know how to make it go away. I just want it to stop.”

Suddenly Castiel was smiling, and Dean was taken aback.

“This is good.”

“Good?”

“We both have the same problem. We have something to  _ do _ now, something more to strive for.”

“So what, we’re just gonna fight this feeling we have, and take the good as it comes?”

“Well, we are in Heaven.”

“God, I love you.”

Dean surged forward and kissed Castiel, and that feeling clawing at his chest lessened a bit. If they worked at it, if they let time continue on, they would get used to this, all of it. So when Dean and Castiel went home that night, Dean let Castiel do what he’d talked about that morning, had even begged him to do it, and after long hours, Dean forgot that he wanted to run away, if only for a moment.

They would fix this. They would fix each other. They had eternity.


End file.
